I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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