I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
