I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
