i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I have fence marks all over my body
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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