I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
