i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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