saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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