I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
