So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
