My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
