she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
