at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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