Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
