I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
