I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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