I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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