her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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