you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I wish you could order shots online.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
