I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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