the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Can you bring me the toilet please
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
