I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
