I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
