maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
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