this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
