We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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