Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
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I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
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I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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