I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
