We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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