Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
