I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
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