the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
