Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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