i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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