then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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