Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
