birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
not ubering you a puppy
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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