I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
