best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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