You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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