maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
