just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
