turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
