i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
