I'm going to jail i love you
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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