At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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