Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
