Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
