Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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