Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
