Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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