It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
