Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
