if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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