One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
