Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
