Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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