dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
