you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
