the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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